I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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