So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
