and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
