He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
