I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
