i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
