She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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