You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Just fell off a train. Bad.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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