Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
