I just saw a hot homeless man
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I want to be your penis for a week.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
