Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
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