i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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