I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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