Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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