Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
