Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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