Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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