I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
