Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
