I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
