the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
FUCK WHALES
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
