Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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