Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
