just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
