Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
