just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
