My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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