i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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