I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
