The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
