I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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