If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
