i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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