She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
