i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
