I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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