i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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