So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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