im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
