There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize
