Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
