I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
