dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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