I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
We just shotgunned beers for America
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
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