So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
