If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
