genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
