Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
