Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
