I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
